What happens in Amsterdam... will be retold for many years to come

36 hours in Amsterdam. That was all it took to have arguably the best hen weekend ever.

Call me OTT but Faye’s hen do is the stuff of legends and deserves a place in the mantra of how to bow out single life in style.

It’s taken me two days since coming home to finally make sense of all that happened in the Dutch capital city.

For reasons that will come clear, the retelling of what went down in Amsterdam will be split into several entries.

But here is a slight preview of what to expect.

There were the prostitutes who towards the end really did not like us, there was Gill almost becoming a temporary Red Light lady after almost falling through a boudoir window, there was a jilted groom-to-be who nevertheless went ahead with his stag do (more on him later), there were space cakes and there was running through Amsterdam airport almost setting off security alarms. But most significant and important of all, there was constant laughter and happiness.

I can’t name the best moment because there are just too many.

So as a little taster, presenting to you my personal Top 10 moments from 36 hours in Amsterdam with Mrs Dabek-to-be:

1. Realising at baggage claim that I left a bottle of Vodka and one Malibu underneath my seat on the easyjet plane. Cue manic run across Amsterdam airport with Gill in an attempt to retrieve them. More on this later.

2. I was the only one whose wig failed to fit. Not even a pack of Kirby grips and the Dabek sisters tugging the wig down from both ends could get it to fit around my large head.

3. Space brownie and Ray from Estonia. Effects of the chocolate treat truly kicked in when I was holding myself up against what I thought was a wall but turned out to be giant man. I literally pushed him into some girl who I suspect he was trying to chat up!

4. When in Amsterdam, it’d be too rude to not go and see a sex show. So there we were queuing at the Sex Palace paying two euros to go into these flea infested booths (I’ve got a bite on my hand!) to watch naked woman revolving past our window.

5. Rather inappropriately asking said jilted groom-to-be repeatedly what happened between him and his former fiancée (what’s a high journo to do?) …and then doing the really appropriate thing by snogging him at the end of the night.

6. Belting out New York, New York en route to the Red Light District. There is no Amsterdam equivalent so that’s the best we could come up with!

7. Downing red tequila with Gill in a desperate attempt to ignore the growing munchies I felt. I think I ate the lemon peel.

8. Explaining graphically to the group about penis fractures and how certain tumours in the base of the spine if left untreated can cause constant erection. I still have no idea why I brought this up (excuse the shameful pun).

9. Neon Leon who we insisted sit with us on the plane. Leon was off to Amsterdam to break up with his long term Australian boyfriend.

10. The sheer ridiculous sayings that came out of our mouths. To name but a few:

Gill and I wondering whether the pilot flew faster on the way to Amsterdam as despite departing 30 minutes later, we arrived on time.
Cue Michelle: (jokingly) “Maybe the pilot took a shortcut.”
Gill and I: (seriously) “Yeah maybe he did.”

Michelle after the effects of her joint: “I’ve forgotten I’ve got an 11-year-old son!”

Nicky Keane after seeing a boat sail past our hotel window: “Oh my God I thought we were moving!”

“I’m Ray. I’m from Estonia.”

“Everybody this is Ray the Stoner!”
(In my defence we were in a coffee shop and Ray had clearly been there for the good part of the day!)

“I’ve come back with more money than I brought with me. How does that work?” Jenna, maybe it's from you finding 50 EUROS on the floor!

“Debbie… I feel sorry for these girls.” Faye’s only comment about the naked woman gyrating behind the screen in front of us.

“I need to update my Facebook status!” Gill made sure to keep friends and family updated by the minute.

“I met a gorgeous man. He’s like Superman and Clark Kent.” Whatever works for you Jenna!

“The kiss was good until he started making sex noises at me.” Jenny Holmes bags herself a Canadian treat.

"One minute I was dancing and then I was lifted in the air. It was so good!" Seeing Nicky Rigby being hoisted in the air by random man provided one of many stitch-inducing laughs of the night.

“Does that moon look really orange to you? Do you think it could be caused by all the marijuana smoke in the air?” Again in my defence I am no scientist. Clearly I am Miss Ridiculous.